A Diminutive Problem
by yamiishot
Summary: For ImShade on Ygal. Scout finds an infant Tentaspy and decides to make it his new pet. Fluff abound. T for Scout's cussing.
1. Chapter 1

-1Scout's finger pressed against the glass, drawing lazy circles, big ones. The tank's inhabitant, a baby Tentaspy, followed the finger with childlike fascination, eyes wide and blinking owlishly as the finger darted across the glass, leaving behind a smudge.

The mini RED scooted after it, little limbs flailing as they tried to propel itself through the lukewarm water. Miniature arms with tiny gloved hands slapped against the barrier as it chased the finger, trying to break through to hug the finger of its adoptive parent.

Scout smiled. His new little pet would never have survived out there on its own, would probably have died where it lay on the wooden walkway if he hadn't nearly gotten his ass shot off to save it.

Still, was worth it. Wasn't quite the same as a dog, granted, but it was sweet, in a kind of squishy small baby way. It had that weird baby smell too, except different, kind of fishy. The BLU often thought to himself that if he removed that little mask (which he'd never do, it had already bit him for trying it) then he would find that weird hair that babies had, the sort of fluffy stuff and that flaky skin that smelt like sick. That or scales.

Scales would be cooler, he thought, removing the finger from the glass and unwrapping the white strip on that hand.

"Eh, c'mere you." he grinned, the unbound hand slipping into the water, fingers wriggling. He swore he heard a delighted squeak from the little sea creature as it spotted the hand and latched on, nuzzling the palm as its many suctioned limbs clung to his fingers, wrapping around them. "S'get ya some food eh?" the runner lifted the baby out and let the water drip back into the tank before cradling the diminutive creature close.

There was a plate of food near his bed, little bits of diced meat and veg filling the room with the mouth watering scent of carrots, onion, lettuce, chicken and cauliflower. Seating himself down on the bed, legs tucked under himself, Scout detached the countless limbs from his hand and set the infant in his lap.

"Stay." he warned, pointing down with one index finger before picking up the plate and setting it to his side. Picking up the squirming sewer dweller in one hand and a cube of chicken in the other, he cradled the hatchling close and held the cube before it. "Go on, take it."

Eager to eat, the cube was lifted from his fingers by two minuscule hands and cuddled for its warmth before it began to eat, tiny flecks of chicken smattering its face. It took all of Scout's manly willpower not to 'coo' and 'aww' over the infant.

"Eh, come on, ya makin' a mess. Don't want bugs all ovah ma bed." Once the little block of chicken had disappeared into its sharp toothed mouth, he gently brushed away the flecks of chicken, and offered it a cube of carrot. Scout could tell the little thing was reluctant to eat veg, kinda like he was, but he had to eat it, else he couldn't run fast (and Medic would give him that freaky glare, god what was _with_ that? It was like his eyes were popping out or something) so the lil' guy had to eat them too. To, y'know, grow and swim and stuff…

The baby looked up at him with big goo-goo eyes and squeaked, holding out the carrot cube.

"What, ya want me ta eat it or something'? C'mon, I just ate, 's'your turn."

It squeaked again - _and tossed the cube at his head!_

"'Ey!" Scout picked up the cube and frowned at the little terror. "Look, do that again, and it's back in the tank!" he warned, putting the cube back on the plate and giving the baby brat a small piece of lettuce. It was devoured with reluctance, as was the rest of the veg on the plate.

Scout even stole a few of the cubes for himself.

After a while, it was time for the babe to go back into the tank, and it took ten soldier minutes to get it to "Get the fuck off Daddy's hand" as Scout put it. Everytime he managed to get one clingy limb off, another one would somehow reattach itself. It wasn't until he'd dunked his hand in the water and shook the surprised thing off that it let go.

The lid went on, to make sure his pet wouldn't get out and get lost. Scout took the plate through to the kitchen, stepping over a comatose Demo on the way round the table.

It was several hours before he returned to his room.

---

The tank lay smashed on the carpeted floor, the water long absorbed into the manky carpet, and Scout was relieved to see that his pet was not lying dead among the shards of glass, twice the infant's size in some cases.

What did worry him was the fact the pet was nowhere to be seen.


	2. Chapter 2

-1Medic had it. He had to. What other crazy bastard would want to smash a tank and steal a little baby for no reason at all?

Actually Medic probably _would_ give a reason, and it'd probably be the same reason why he was found slipping steroids in Soldier's morning American brand coffee ("BREWED BY AMERICA, FOR AMERICA, AND NOT FOR YOU WORTHLESS MAGGOTS!") and the reason would be, 'for science!' in whatever crazy field the crazed lunatic was studying now.

Apparently now he'd taken an interest in Scout's pet, and god help him when Scout got his hands on him, that baby was _his_ and not Medic's!

Not wasting time, Scout hopped over the broken glass and grabbed his bat. Boy would he enjoy bashing in the kidnapping doctor's brains. With sporting equipment in hand, Scout dashed from the room, heading to the medical bay.

On the way, he passed the kitchen.

Then he skidded to a stop, and jogged backwards to peer into the same room.

Good god no.

Medic was standing at the bench, back to Scout as he pounded away at something on the chopping board with the meat tenderizer, drops of blood flying with the movement of the hammer.

"NOOOOO!" Scout rushed into the room, shoving Medic aside. As the German hit the floor, glasses askew, Scout scooped up the bloody mess and held it to his chest, wailing, "Ya bastard! Ya killed my pet!"

From the floor, a very confused Medic looked up at him. "…Scout, ah you a vegetarian?" he asked cautiously.

"What the hell kinda question is that at ask? Fuck no!" He growled, clinging to the dripping meat.

"Zen kindly put down my steak _und get out my kitchen!_" Medic yelled, getting to his feet.

"St…steak? It's not my pet?"

" Mein gott, I'm surprised you ah even able to look aftah yourself let alone a pet! Get out!"

Scout dropped the meat onto the chopping board and fled.

---

"Oh gawd, I hugged a piece 'a meat!" Scout stood in front of the mirror in he showers, washing the blood off his hands and face, scrubbing at them with his nails. "Raw meat oh god, disgustin' ugh,! Ma would kill me."

Shoving aside the mental image of his mother whaling on him with a baseball bat for even touching raw meat without washing his hands, Scout grabbed the towel and dried himself off.

" 'Kay, think kid, c'mon, s'easy, Engie does it all the time…Who'd take the little guy?"

Maybe Heavy? Always yelling but liked cute things? Na, too stupid. Then again it'd explain why the tank was smashed.

What about Spy? It _did _look like a mini him, but in red really. That'd make sense too, but no one knew where Spy really was most of the time.

"Stupid shapeshiftin' freak." he muttered, kicking the wall. Instead of getting the dull thunk of his boot connecting with tile, he felt his foot connect with something soft and fleshy and a quiet whine. As his foot came back down, the team Spy flickered into view, slumping on the floor, hands clutching at his damaged 'family jewels'.

"…Shit, what the fuck are ya doin' watchin' me ya creepy fuck?!" he yelled, sorely tempted to kick him again. "And what the fuck ya done with my pet?!"

From his place on the wet and suspicious smelling tiled floor, Spy glared up at him, not quite able to breath yet. He did mange to squeak out the French equivalent of 'Fuck you' and by this point in Scout's life, he knew most of the French curses, since Spy himself had been badgered into telling him, so it was really only fair he gave Spy a black eye.

"Where. Is. My. PET?!" Scout grabbed the silk tie, ignoring the protests. "C'mon ya French faggot, where is he?"

"I don't know what you are talking about." Spy coughed, "What pet?"

Disgusted, Scout let the tie fall from his grip, but not before he'd tightened the knot.

Leaving the choking Frenchman on the ground behind him, Scout left the room. God damnit, who had his pet?

---

One quick search of Spy's room later (just to confirm he didn't have the precious baby Tentaspy) and Scout was planning on visiting Heavy next. The giant oaf seemed like the likely suspect, at least in Scout's deranged and panicked mind, and it was with the thought that Heavy might have eaten the baby for a snack that he banged on the Russian's door.

Inside, there was a weak moan before Heavy's voice called out, "Go away little baby!"

With his pet's life at stake? Was he _nuts_?! That creature was depending on him to save it! Full of heroic feeling, Scout kicked down Heavy's bedroom door and -


	3. Chapter 3

-1The door flew open, banging off the wall behind it, and Scout stormed into the room. "Where's my -"

Oh dear god.

It smelled like someone had bought a cow, killed it, left it to rot for three weeks, shoved it into a dead buffalo, then left it to rot for another three weeks before dumping it in Heavy's room.

The 'dead buffalo' the smell was coming from was the pale Heavy on the bed, hidden away under the covers, a river of green goo running from his nose, red rimmed eyes, and a bed sheet in one hand for use as a hanky.

A loud rumble came from the Heavy, and the edge of his covers flapped, releasing more of the 'dead animal' gas.

Scout gagged and pinched his nose. No way Heavy had his pet, he couldn't even move let alone smash a tank and steal the baby.

"Told you to stay away, little man." he rumbled, before coughing into the spare bed sheet. "Doctor say I have flu. Very…" he waved the hanky, snot running down it as he searched for the word, "catchy. You should go. Need to rest now."

"Yeah yeah, sure man, get bettah soon, need someone at watch my back out dere." Scout backed up, closing the door as he escaped from the sick man's room and inhaling clean air in loud gasps.

"Sweet jesus." he coughed.

Who next? Sniper? Nah, he never left his room anyway (actually he did, and he was sure he'd spotted him sneaking into Spy's room a couple of times, but that wasn't the important thing right now). Maybe Pyro would know!

---

"Py! Py man, c'mon open up!" Scout's fist pounded against the door, almost shaking it from its frame. "MUMBLES! OPEN THE FUCK UP!"

The door swung open and Pyro stood there - Scout could swear that gasmask was _glaring_ at him man, seriously - with something on his head. Engineer's glove.

"…Dude what the fuck's on your head?"

Pyro shrugged. He said he felt like putting it there, what's the big deal?

"Nuthin' man, nuthin'. Hey, you seen like…a baby squid thing?"

Baby squid? Pyro shook his head, and Scout swore he saw the mask move into a confused expression. Creepy man.

"Nevah mind why. Doesn't mattah anyway. See ya Mumbles." Scout waved and stalked off, hands shoved in his pockets. Damnit who had it?!

Pyro shut the door and reached up to take the glove off, revealing the hidden sleeping tentaspy. He'd give it back tonight, he had to finish rebuilding the tank first. It wasn't his fault he'd knocked it over.

He set the baby down in a large glass of water and watched it bob around tiredly for a little before going back to gluing the panes of glass together.

---

Scout had looked everywhere, and was returning to his room in a sorry state. Sniper had almost cut off his head, thinking him a spy for asking such a ridiculous question and he'd fled with his life and throat barely intact. Nothing improved after that, Soldier almost broke his arm and Demo tried to get him drunk. Engie had thrown him out in a rage after he knocked something over and broke it.

Now he was going back to his room - and damnit he was NOT crying, get stuffed! He shoved open the door and slammed it shut, throwing himself down on the bed. Notcryingnotcryingnotcrying - what the hell was that noise? He didn't sound like that when he was cry - I mean, had something in his eye - did he? He lifted his head and looked around the room.

He couldn't understand what he saw.

The broken glass from earlier had gone, replaced by a new tank, bigger than the last one and with a filter this time. Right in the centre of it squeaking worriedly from behind the glass was his beloved baby tentaspy.

A cry of utter joy escaped him - one he would later totally deny if anyone asked - and lifted the lid away to take out his baby and hold it close. It giggled and playfully covered his cheek in tentacle slime. He didn't care, he was too happy to have Tentaspy back where he belonged.

---

Outside the door, Pyro heaved a sigh of relief at the joyous cry form inside. He loved happy endings. A smile on his face beneath the mask, Pyro wandered off into the night, Engineer's glove still perched upon his head.


End file.
